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Life Is Killing Him - The Extended Version

In November 2002 I contacted Peter Steele requesting his participation in an anonymous research project regarding Depression. The interview was completed in a series of discussions from December 2002 to March 2003. Peter Steele has graciously agreed to share his responses with the public!

The song stylist extraordinaire is an incredibly remarkable personality. His swift and clever wit fused with moments of frank commentary provided amusing responses from a man revealing not only “the goods” (see Playgirl Magazine circa 1995), but also a notably intelligent psyche. 

The following is an extended version of original interview that can be found here  (thank you Casket Crew Carrie for hosting).

Heather Leather Creamsicle 2002/2003

HEATHER: So Peter, have you been diagnosed with Depression?

PETER:  Yes.

…Anxiety?

PETER:  Yes.

…Bipolar Disorder ?

PETER:  I have come up with the ultimate super hero – “Bi-Polar Bear”. 

That is not the one and only cut and dried diagnosis of any of these things, but yeah.  I have, just for fun, gone to psychiatrists to be diagnosed and they have said this.  And then I give them my report – of what I think about them.

What type of medical professional diagnosed you?

PETER:  Psychiatrist.  Because he has an M.D., [which stands for] “Mad Dog”.

Were you aware of this illness before consulting with a medical professional?

PETER:  Of course, I was pre-disposed. 

At what age would you say you realized you had this illness?

PETER:  Ice Age.

No, really?

PETER:  Are you smoking?

Yes I am.

PETER:  It is exciting me.

Is it distracting?

PETER:  Pleasantly. 

Okay.  (TON fans will recognize from past interviews and lyrical references that Peter has an affinity for smoking women)

PETER:  At what age did I realize I was insane? 

I suppose it was 18 but…I must say this:  At this point in life I do not need anyone to tell me what to think. 

I refuse to go to therapy or any of this other shit, because I don’t want to pay people to tell me what’s wrong with me.  Because I know what’s wrong with me.

Are you currently on a prescription(s) specifically to treat this illness and what is the Prescription?

PETER:  Yes, Prozac.

Is Prozac the only prescription medication that you are currently taking?

PETER:  Yes.

So you don’t have any other prescribed medications?  Have you tried any other things besides Prozac?

PETER:  Prozac is the only one.  It doesn’t make me feel good; it just helps me not to feel so bad. 

Do you take the recommended dosage at the intervals that the prescription calls for?

PETER:  No.  Sometimes it’s like – I’m on this weekly thing, with one pill, and sometimes I will take 2 or 3 because I think that I have forgotten to take one but I have not.  So then for a month I will take nothing.

Does the medication hang around for that long, or you just don’t feel like you should take more or…

PETER:  Unfortunately I know a lot about chemistry and I know what this may do to me.  Or may not.  Because the psychotropic effect of Prozac is 90% psychological -- if you know you are being administered this thing you will react to it. 

So you know what you’re being given so you’re not fooled into – I don’t know how to put this exactly…

PETER:  Well I know that I’m a fool – but usually I kind of mix it up.  These weekly doses of these granules that are supposed to dissolve in your digestive tract due to the influence of your stomach’s hydrochloric acids, but I find ways around these things.  I grind them up, and I take them all at once, and I see what happens.

And what happens? 

PETER:  I get pissed off, and I pee a lot and I run around and attack people.  But eh…Pretty much normal.

Are there any interaction warnings on the label, like do not operate heavy machinery, or …

PETER:  Heavy machinery?! That’s what I live for!  If it says, “Do not operate” I’m like “What the fuck are you talking about?”  I cannot operate?

There is this thing, prolonged erection.

That’s what it [drug label] says?

PETER:  No.

You’re making that up?

PETER:  No I’m not.  This is a side effect, either you get impotent, or a prolonged erection.

So fortunately for me, I walk around with my fucking dick hard.  Washing the dishes, cleaning the house, boing boing boing…

I swear to God, I’m not kidding you.

And that’s from a regular dosage or an over dosage?

PETER:  That’s 80 million micrograms…it’s self prescribed.

Do you take any homeopathic supplements, like Saint John’s Wort or any others sort of believed to alleviate symptoms?

PETER:  You would not believe what I do to myself.  I experiment on myself all the time.

I am not kidding you.  I have this book that I live by; it is The Army Field Guide of Surgery.  I have stitched myself up.

No…

PETER:  Yes, I have done my own dental work, I’m not kidding you, – I live to experiment upon myself.

I have done dental work, and people have come over to my house and seen like blood and bone and teeth particles all over the mirror.  Successfully.

All right then, home operations.  And you haven’t had a mishap?

PETER:  I hit my gum one time.

Yeow!

PETER:  There was blood spattering.  I think if there had been dental damage that was pretty severe – well, I can't do like caps or root canals.

I have stitched myself up.

I’ll have to see if I can get a hold of one of those [Army Field Guide] and check it out.

PETER:  The Handbook is like the Manifesto.

It works in a pinch.

PETER:  You have to get accessories.

Okay – [like a] drill?

PETER:  Like needles

Okay…

PETER:  And anesthetic and stuff.  Because the worst part about getting cut is cleaning it out.

I have gone to the emergency room like 10 times and the worst part is when they open the cut up and they clean it with a brush and alcohol. That’s quite refreshing I must say.

I’m like, “Why the fuck am I paying you, really”?

Maybe the Doc is a better seamstress than you are?

PETER:  Well, you need the anesthetic too, after they clean the cut out, they inject it into the cut, into the wound.

It’s a derivative of cocaine so it numbs the wound, so that no matter what you do to it, knit one, pearl two, whatever the fuck….how you stitch it up, you don’t feel anything.

Now tell me, you said that Prozac doesn’t make you feel great, but it stops you from feeling bad.

PETER:  It stops me from feeling really bad.

So by bad, can you describe what bad means to you?

PETER:  Bad means uh, anxiety, means that I wish I was never born, that I wish I could dig a hole and go into the center of the Earth and die. 

And does the anxiety part make you feel this same way, or is the anxiety part something different?

PETER:  That is sometimes inseparable.

If you had to describe the efficacy of your prescription, and like say a scale of 1 – 10, 10 would mean your symptoms are completely alleviated, and 1 would mean it’s not working at all, how would you describe the effectiveness of what you’re taking now?

PETER:  In lieu of the fact that I self-medicate, I would have to describe the success of the medication as uh, 1.227221907

So if, on that same let’s say 1 – 10 scale, if 10 describes a good day, and when I say good day, I’m not necessarily saying the day is devoid of stress or conflict, or unpleasant interactions, just a good day when you feel that your depression is under control, what number would you assign to your days generally? 

PETER:  As good or bad?

Right, 10 is good, 1 is bad.

PETER:  10 is good, 1 is bad.  Can there be negative integers involved?

No, you have to select a number 1 – 10. 

PETER:  (groans)

Generally, how are your days?

PETER:  Uh, 665.

665?

PETER:  No wait, that’s the neighbor of the beast.

Come on now!  Seriously, what would you say?

PETER:  How do my days go?

Generally?

PETER:  I would have to say 5 -- they vary.  I am hypoglycemic, so even the things I eat affect my mood.  So everything is up and down.

That was going to be my next question.  So the number would change depending on what your diet is like.  Does that number change with different times of the day?

PETER:  Statistically, it’s random but constant.

Oh, you are so messing with me.  Randomly constant!

PETER:  I mean you speak of these terms in an x-y graph, and you need an x-y-z, so it’s 3 dimensional.

All right.  So you’re not necessarily a morning person, or a night person or certain times of the day don’t make you feel happier than other times. 

PETER:  Times of the day do not matter to me.

How about the weather?

PETER:  I do like the sun.

So a sunny day might perk your mood?

PETER:  Well, yes, I mean I mean through trans-dermal transition – more vitamin D, as everyone does.  That’s why people in Scandinavian countries kill themselves. 

So does any certain locale affect your happiness?

PETER:  Locale, like a Lo-Cal diet?

Like geographically…Are there places that make you happy?

PETER:  Well, I am quite Nordic, and I don’t believe I belong anywhere than in like Iceland or Northern Russia or something like that, because that’s where my people are from. 

Have you been to those places?

PETER:  I have been to Iceland, yes.

And did you feel at home?

PETER:  Yes I did.  They were all quite tall, even the urinals were taller.  The doorknobs and the toilets.

Furniture?

PETER:  Yes. 

So maybe your happiness is affected by seasons?

PETER:  I do love the seasons.

All seasons or some people experience depression with the change of seasons…

PETER:  I believe all people experience depression with the change of seasons, less sunlight.  Riboflavin – more prone to suicidal tendencies.

Peter - so scientific.  All right, when you feel like you’re getting in a bummed mood or anxious, do you have any “quick fix” techniques, and that would be something that you might do to get you back on track or “snapped out” of it?

PETER:  I attack the people I love.

Hmm.  And does that put you in a better mood?

PETER:  It was a joke.  No.  There is nothing to do.

It could be any kind of quick fix, like “I’m going to pop this movie in, it’ll get me out of this dull mood” or…

PETER:  Nothing takes the place of sunlight.

Okay, so that’s the number 1 quick fix.

PETER:  It’s gamma radiation; it’s the full spectrum, you can't get around that.

When you’re feeling anxiety or depression, do you find that you hibernate, or tend to be around people more?

PETER:  I withdraw.

Do you think at times that you enjoy or wallow in your mood?

PETER:  Not only do I relish it but I make money from it.

Sorry I’m laughing, but you’re amusing me.

------------------Part II-----------------------

Okay – ready?

PETER:  Am I about to be probed?

Yeah.

PETER:  Vaseline please?

Come on, Peter – NO Vaseline!

PETER:  At least some spit then.

Okay – last time we spoke you said that sometimes you enjoy wallowing in your mood.  When you are depressed, are you able to mask it?  Or, does everyone around you know that you’re depressed?

PETER:  That is probably very difficult for me to answer because at this point I can neither be subjective or objective.  I think when I’m masking my feelings, other people perceive them but not in the way that I thought that they would.  Like usually I go excessively overboard, like going the other way in an attempt to mask my true feelings.  Usually I just get cranky; which I’m very proud of actually.

I would be too.  Does being cranky help you overcome your symptoms at all?

PETER:  I don’t want to be a chronic complainer, but I feel that I can't help it because I let everything piss me off.  And it seems to me that – if a man complains about things, it makes him look weak – so in my defense I try to complain more so I look weaker.

So we talked before about triggers, that might alter your mood, we talked about weather, location, and diet.  I’d like to ask you about sonic triggers now. 

Do certain sounds put you in a good mood, or a bad mood?
 
PETER:  Yes, quasi-mechanical sonic interference.  Such as car alarms.  It’s like I have analyzed the alarm – (does a very good imitation of the typical car alarm) whooooop whooooop woop woop woop woop ehhhh ehhh ehhh ehhh wooooowooooo.  And I know what’s going to come next…not to sound racist, which I am, because I hate the entire human race,

There is a schul near my house, and there’s a lot of school buses outside, I guess I should call them schul buses, right? 

Sure…

PETER:  And it happens that my neighborhood sets their alarms so tentatively that they go off very quickly.  I’m not sure if I should get into transitory logistics, but my block – my street which is _________ Street off of __________ Avenue is like one of the few southern flowing blocks because there’s a public school a couple of blocks away.  I guess it has occupied quite a large piece of land, and it has closed off more southern flowing streets.  So the auxiliary traffic from this main arterial ___________ goes down my block, and because of the schul, and because of the incompliance of the occupants of my neighborhood, they double park, and I am forced to go out into the street to attack school buses at 6 o’clock in the morning in my underwear; which I have done.  I’ve made street signs myself, which look extremely official.  I will photograph them, and you tell me the difference, because I’m pretty good with a paint can.  So I believe in – it may sound Communistic – but community.  I don’t care if my neighbors are black, white, Jewish, or Muslim…all I ask is that they never look at me – anymore.  I mean I have a shirt – “Don't Look at Me”.  I have to stop people, “You’re Looking at Me!”  All I’m saying is, “Give Pete a Chance”. 

Now THAT should be a shirt.

PETER:  That’s my book.

You’re writing a book?

PETER:  Yeah, the Pyro-Biography.

(Laughs) Okay – I’d love to get into that but I can’t…so obviously those sounds put you in a bad mood – what kinds of sounds put you in a good mood?

PETER:  The sounds of the wind, autumn leaves, actually rain, snow, anything natural.

Natural selections.

PETER:  Natural erections.

How about music – does music put you in a good mood?

PETER:  No, no – I need total silence.  I will punch myself in the face for snoring, because I will wake myself up.  That explains my face. 

Light, I can deal with.

I’m a vampire but I have a green card, and so like you know I can go out, if it’s morning, I can go to the blood bank, blah blah blah – I can handle light, but the sound, no way man.  Mechanical repetition, actually, is not so bad, like white noise, which is not a racial term by the way, because there’s also pink noise.  And I have some pink parts on me too, so that’s 50/50. 

I like the sound of the fan, or air conditioner, you know.  I can sleep through that.  And light is no problem.

You said that you suffer from anxiety.  What kinds of events are likely to make you feel anxious?

PETER:  Interviews.

But to the point where you’re feeling really anxious, where  you wish the feeling would pass?

PETER:  Let me answer this question totally seriously for once.

Yay!  That would be perfect!

PETER:  I will do this; you have my word.

When I try to explain to others why I have anxiety, and I tell them I don’t know…they don’t know how to deal with that and there’s a sense of anger or like they just abort the whole situation.  The thing with anxiety is the more you worry about it, the more it comes upon you – and there’s really nothing you can do. 

That’s true so – your best coping mechanism for that is…

PETER:  To never go out of the house.  No that’s really honest – I go food shopping, and sometimes I like dance around the neighborhood naked, I’ll take my car around, flip it over a couple of times, show off, I go buy some out of season fruit, if I’m in the mood, but that’s it.

Okay.  So we also talked about Bipolar Disorder, when you’re feeling the “high highs” that can characterize Bipolar Disorder, what is your behavior like, what kinds of activities are you likely to participate in?
 
PETER:  Attending to unattended responsibilities, like getting things done, even as domestic as cleaning the house.  But I mean at 41 years of age, I know that there’s a pattern, and whatever I do, wherever I go, there is no way of knowing when this feeling is going to change.  And at that point – it’s like, you are having a party on the 4^th of July, everything’s great, you’re in the pool, and then it’s like – all of a sudden you’re on a cliff about to be pushed into hell by Phil Anselmo; who is my friend by the way.  Do you know Phil from Pantera?

I know OF him, of course…

PETER:  That was not a diss -- I’m just trying to involve him because he owes me some money.  And I hope that he reads this and pays me back.

Okay.  And let’s see – so you don’t think your medication necessarily puts you on that even keel, so you don’t feel the high highs, and the low lows?

PETER:  I don’t think that the Atkin’s Diet is working for me at all.  I mean I ate 7-8 steaks yesterday –

That’s supposed to work! 

PETER:  What - the steaks?!

Yeah!

PETER:  It’s not supposed to work.  It doesn’t work.

Oh.

PETER:  I think if I have this disorder, I really don’t deserve to live.  I don’t think people actually realize what a unique period of time that we are living in.  I mean up until like 50-60 years ago, our ancestors all did the same thing, generation after generation – milk the cows, you know whatever the fuck, shovel the hay, but now this is the generation of media where things change could be hourly.  

Right it is a very different time.  Peter, do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

PETER:  A percussionist?

Perfectionist?

PETER:  That’s part of the problem with being Bipolar.  When you talk about Bipolar, like the word polar – most of the Bipolar people don’t even say “Arctic” right, they say “Artic” –

…Bipolar people say “Artic” not “Arctic”…well they should be sent to the South Pole.  That’s the first problem I got…because there’s this other consonant in there – it’s not “Artic” it’s “Arctic”…what do you say, “Noah’s Ar?  No, it’s Ark-dick.  You’re Bipolar it fucking figures.  I’m TRI-polar get the fuck outta here.

You’re a kook. 

PETER:  What was the question?  What was the answer?

The question was: Do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

PETER:  Yes I do.  You know that’s a big problem.  It’s like people have asked me that question – (Imitates Freudian accent) “Peter, is this glass half empty, or half full?” and I say, “Yeah, I don’t even have a glass”.

No glass.

PETER:  Right – so – I guess I’m a glasshole.

I don’t like grey qualities in life.  The light has to be on or off, you know.

Would you say you forgive yourself easily?

PETER:  Oh no I don’t.  I internalize it, and I very subtly and without the interviewer knowing it, I take it out on journalists. 

Hmm.  Good idea.

PETER:  But the people that I know, they know what I’m talking about.

Do you forgive others easily?

PETER:  Only if they’re dead. 

To be completely honest with you, usually if someone transgresses upon me, 99 times out of 100, it could have been preventable had I been aware.  Normally I blame myself, I just deal with that by writing worst songs than I did before, and taking it out on the public. 

Okay – do you think you have obsessive traits?

PETER:  Yeah.  Absolutely.

Do you find yourself obsessed with certain people, or activities, or…

PETER:  Well once again, when I say this to you, I am honest and I mean it and it’s not a joke and I’ll say it again.  If I have somewhat of a disagreement with people, which usually means that they ran too fast and I couldn’t kill them, and I have to think about what I should have said -- you know discussing things back and forth, that usually bothers me, and that to verbally make a point and not have said what I should have said.  And also yes, locking the front door.

That’s a good obsession, though, I think.

PETER:  But I don’t have a front door that’s the real fucking problem. 

I encourage intruders.

Okay…My face is starting to hurt from laughing, so calm down.  Do you try and create situations in which you experience the body’s ‘fight or flight’ system, or participate in events that increase your heart rate and stimulate adrenaline?  Extreme situations…

PETER:  Do you mean do I try to be a troublemaker?  Or a shit-starter?

Sure.

PETER:  I always try to be the peacemaker, but only if I can get a piece, do you know what I mean?  I don’t like to be a troublemaker.  I’m the guy that will jump into a fight to stop it because – you’re both going to die an terrible death, ultimately – and really, why don’t you just beat me up and get it over with, so my relatives can sue you. 

Do many things scare you?

PETER:  I scare myself. 

Would you say that’s your number one fright is yourself?

PETER:  Yeah, because sometimes I think I know what I can do, and I fail.  And sometimes I don’t think I can do it, and I excel at it…and the things that I really want to do, I really don’t want to do.  This is what scares me, is that there will not be any grey area there.

I think I read somewhere that the answer to this next question is a yes, but it’s in the interview so…to retain continuity, have you ever tried to commit suicide?

PETER:  Of course.

Were you successful?  JUST kidding!

PETER:  Well I’m speaking to you from the cemetery, so yes.  If at first  you don’t succeed, die and die again, isn’t that what they say…?

I think that’s what they say?  Do you think the attempt was a cry for help, or were you pretty serious about trying to kill yourself?

PETER:  The first time I really tried it…I have to back up.  I was with this woman for 2 years, we had a verbal disagreement, I called her up, and went over there and she wasn’t there and I was drinking something -- I think it was anti-freeze, that’s why I have green blood.  I’m out of my mind and I slashed my wrists.  It was very funny because I went back to her house, and she had this big white front door that I was pounding on and pounding on  - going like this (knocks on something that sounds like a door and continues in a high pitched voice a la in David Spade in Tommy Boy) “Housekeeping”!

(Laughs uncontrollably)

PETER:  And the blood --  there’s like gallons – and I’m like oh man, there goes my liquid protein…all that shit.  The worst part about it was, after leaving there – this girl’s mother called my mother and said, “You know your son was here and he made a fucking mess out of my door”.  She told my mother that I was there and I cut my wrists and all this other shit, which I did.  It was very funny – I think this is the most amusing part – after cutting myself, I thought, “Why am I not dead”?  I bought a razor blade there to do this to cut my veins and everything, and this was up in Bay Ridge Brooklyn, and I was born and bred in Red Hook Brooklyn, which is really not too far away.  So now I’m driving to Red Hook from Bay Ridge, which is like 10 – 15 minutes, and running out of gas.  I go into a gas station I’ve got no money.  So this guy you know – comes over, “Can I help you” and I’m “Hey, fill it up” and I take out the credit card, and there’s blood all over it and he’s, “All you all right sir?” and I’m like “Hey fill ‘er up, Chop!  Chop!  Let’s go!”  So I had to stop for gas, while I was killing myself, that’s the funniest thing in the world.  So I go home to the house I was born in…crawl into the back seat of my car, sucking my thumb, fall asleep and thought I would die.  I wake up, I’m like “Oh no, I’m still alive”.  My wrists were completely encrusted.  Both of my wrists looked like really small over-done roast beefs.  Like they were so congealed.  My car was full of blood.  So I go home my whole fucking family is there, “Surprise!  Hey, back from the dead”!  Yah, it’s the Newly-dead Game!  So now I have to go to the hospital, and if you say you tried to kill yourself, they send you to Kingstown, the G-ward.  I have mentioned G-ward in some of my songs because that’s not the place you want to be.  I think his name was Dr. Mengala, I don’t know – he was stitching me up, and said, “What happened?”  I said, “Well, I was working on my car, and like I slipped on a piece of kosher ham, and slipped into the engine, and violá!”  He goes, “Is that right?” and I said, “That’s right!”

A piece of kosher ham, huh?

PETER:  That’s right, if they circumcise the pig, the Jews can eat it.

Okay Peter, do you practice affirmations, daily affirmations – words or phrases to harvest your mind?

PETER:  This is new to me.  I mean the first thing I say when I wake up is “Oh fuck, I’m still alive”.  Is that an affirmation?

I think it’s a negation.

PETER:  I go “ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang…ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang”.

No wonder. 

PETER:  No, I wake up – the sun’s coming up in the window (breaks into a rousing “cock-a-doodle doo” and imitates birds chirping) and I yawn, get up, get on my tractor, bring the crops in blah blah blah yeah, that’s it.

Do you believe your mind can be tricked into believing something if your mind hears it enough? 

PETER:  I believe during this interview it already has.

Do you practice mediation?

PETER:  I have given up on masturbation -- it doesn’t work for me.

Mediation.

PETER:  Oh, meditation.  When it comes to mediation I think about like somebody with their arms outstretched, they look like they’re going to snap their fingers but they never do, and they have their legs crossed, I can't do that.  I cannot do that.  My neighborhood is too noisy…what am I going to meditate on?  Cars honking, people yelling, gunshots?  Yeah, I fucking meditate, yeah. 

Do you practice lucid dreaming?

PETER:  Lucid…?

Lucid dreaming -- like actual developed tools expressly to prove that you are asleep – there are several tests.

PETER:  What was that – lucid sleep?  I know the Latin prefix means light…

Lucid dreaming is a technique that some people that are afflicted with various conditions participate in – there are a series of tests that you do while you’re sleeping– when you think you might be dreaming, to prove that you’re asleep.  Then while you’re asleep you try to re-pattern behaviors. 

PETER:  You know it’s funny you should say this, because a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with the band’s guitarist, Kenny [Hickey].  He has this thing called like waking nightmare, where his eyes are open, and like he’s awake, but he cannot stop dreaming.  He has told the band, which of course we have used against him.  So when he’s dreaming, he’s in his bunk, shaking and sweating and foaming at the mouth with his eyes open – and we tell him, “Kenny, you’re going to die, you’re out of the band, man…your guitar is out of tune – dude you’re a skank!”  That’s all I know about that. 

Maybe lucid dreaming would work for him then?

PETER:  Maybe Lucille Ball would work for him?  (Hums the I Love Lucy theme).

Have you used illegal drugs?

PETER:  Virgins you mean?

Whatevah…

PETER:  Of course I have.  Rogaine, I’m hooked on it, it gets me high, the more I do – you ought to see my pubic hair – it looks like King Harod’s beard.

Do you think you may have damaged  your brain’s pleasure center through use of any possible drugs you've  taken?

PETER:  Absolutely but now I have an excuse because I acknowledge it so now I can sue you and the government and everyone you know, because even your questioning is tormenting me, and will throw me into convulsions after this interview…

Don't  do it…

PETER:  …which will be documented.

No !  All right – do you keep that in mind when you’re experiencing symptoms, that your brain is behaving like you're depressed, even though you may not really be depressed – do you ever think, “My brain is psyching me out to make me feel bad but maybe I really don’t feel bad?” 

PETER:  I have tried many times to disagree with my brain, but I’ve always lost.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s like a peanut that controls a factory – it says, “Yes, Master, Yes Master!”  Okay, whatever the brain wants, the brain gets.  But I know the organs, and I’m in cahoots with them so it’s not over yet.

What’s your theory of what causes depression, do you think it’s biological, a result of life’s experiences….a combination of both…?

PETER:  Civilization. 

Life as we know it?

PETER:  I consider myself to be a caveman, I’m pretty happy with that; I have a nice cave here, – Three-floor cave, two bathrooms.  Back yard, fireplace which is my sink – 800 bones a month, not too bad.  I believe that Depression neurosis and all this other pseudo-Freudian phraseologies lately come from the fact that we think we’re better than animals -- we’re not.  I’m not a speciest.  I love cats and dogs.  I do not think I’m any better than them, as a matter of fact, I think I’m worse.  Because I/we are one of the only species who shits where it eats.  Even pigs don’t do that.  We’re the only species who laughs and you know why?  Because we have an affirmation of the future and we know we’re going to die.  Every time you laugh, every time you laugh at somebody who trips or hits their head, who you feel is like lesser than you, you make yourself feel better – and you know what???  The reaper takes one step back. 

Have you ever been a member of a support group for Depression?

PETER:  I have been a member of a group who wants to export depressed people.  You can't win.

Do you think you have a close friend or confidant that you can call on that understands what you feel, and what you're going through, when you're feeling depressed?

PETER:  That’s why I called you, Heather!  How about that for an answer?

That’s GREAT…I Like it! 

PETER:  Honestly – no.  Even though I trust people, I know what I tell them they will use against me in the future. 

Hmm.  Stockpiling.  Do you think that having someone to contact that shares your symptoms and understands what you're going through is a good thing? 

PETER:  No, because I would rather be dead than go through life with a babysitter – if I cannot help myself or at least make fun of my own existence, then life is over.  I don’t want to have to wake up some poor person, male, or female – at 5 o’clock in the morning, “Hey man, I’m out of Rogaine, I’m jones-ing”!  I don’t want to wake up some poor fucking idiot and have them say, “Call me back tomorrow after your dead”.  Which is what I would do. 

Well – that leads into my next question: Do you ever provide support to others?

PETER:  Kill yourself!  You’re ugly!  You’re impotent!  You’re fat!  Your breath stinks!  Nobody likes you!  You haven’t bathed in a couple of days, and I can smell it!  Here’s the knife, I won't look – go ahead!  I support them.

That IS support – Peter, what have I forgotten to ask about your symptoms; about Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety -- what do you think is important for me to know about your symptoms or your illness, specifically? 

PETER:  The thing is, on a very honest level here…  I don’t know who is qualified to determine who’s depressed, Bipolar, whatever.  I have read so much about Depression, and the symptoms, sometimes the average person would just fall into the category.  Yes, this is who I was so this is what I need and this is how I can be cured.  Sometimes there are people who have really really fucked up lives, I am not saying I am one of them, because I have been very fortunate…but someone who does indeed see sadness every day, and goes through some kind of undocumented horror – maybe they are not depressed.  Maybe they have just witnessed too much.  I don’t know what the cure is, whether it’s chemical or therapeutical – I don’t know.  I am not sure what I’m trying to say, I just think that the definition of being depressed or probably most of the other so-called human afflictions is simply being a person in this day and age – we live in a time unlike any other.  Okay – you're depressed because half of your family died, well you know that’s what you saw 100 years ago in Holland, or Belgium, or France, or Botswana, and you got on with life.  I think most of the time if people are diagnosed with a certain affliction that they feel they have a right to be that way – and they fall into it, and then use it as an excuse.  Which is why I said that I was completely sane. 

Very last question, to end on a light note, because I like to do that:  Can you tell me about the last time you laughed so hard it hurt – what was the situation, or the circumstances?

PETER:  Yes I can, but I have to lay a foundation first.  There has always been this debate since the media came to light about the supremacy or the superiority of men to women.  You know what?  I think women are superior because they use psycho-tactics.  They think with their brains.  Whereas, I’m about to say, and I’m sure like all my childhood friends, and my record company, and my manager would kill me after reading this, but – all men are really just little boys.  I know I am.  I do not think any fucking differently than when I was 12 or 13 years old.  I still like to set racing cars on fire…I still like to jump into pools from 3 stories up and crack my head…and have my friends laugh at it.  So what was the question?

When was the last time you laughed so hard it hurt?  

PETER:  Yes!  Listening to the first Jerky Boys album with my friends. 

That’s the LAST TIME?

PETER:  That was like 2 days ago.

OH, okay. 

PETER:  I always find it extremely hilarious.  They’ve put the word out that no women should come here, so now not even my mother is allowed  - it’s like the funniest thing in the world to me, and it’s so juvenile, and that’s why I said what I said – all men are just 12, 13 year old boys.  Their balls get bigger, then they grow hair and they get stronger, but they’re still little fucking dicks.  And you know what?  I’m one of them.  Hanging out with my friends, 41 years old, and my friends around the same age – listening to this and just laughing at it -- but at the same time it’s very innocent laughter.  Usually when people laugh, especially men, it’s at the expense of someone else.  Putting someone down or seeing someone get hurt.  I hate to disassociate myself with my barbaric past, but I don’t find these things funny.  I am sympathetic to these people who fuck up.  I’m not kidding you when I say that. 

But like Jackass for example…

PETER:  I saw the movie, I laughed and laughed and laughed – I mean honestly, I have to say I was in awe.  This guy must have such a high testosterone level to do these things.  A couple of months ago I got blood work done, and I have a high testosterone level too, but this guy – there’s something wrong with him.  But I commend him for it, because this is what men should be.  Okay, so you're going to go off a cliff in a shopping cart.  Laugh about it.  That’s cool.  Some women are like, “What’s so funny about this”?  It’s like, “I did that when I was 14!”  I mean I did things like that when I was 14 fucking years old.

..and they’re just  filming it.

PETER:  I think it’s I’m not going to say he’s one of my heroes, he can't last long, the way he’s keeping it up – but I think it’s brilliant, I can’t believe he’s not dead – I think it’s like “schizo-funnia”.  You know like doing crazy things and watching people’s reactions to it.  Because nothing is funnier than human nature – doing something out of the ordinary and just filming it…that’s the funniest thing in the fucking world.

People are so used to things working a certain way – especially if someone does something out of the ordinary with confidence – the world stops.  Time stops.  The train stops.  Clouds stop moving.  The planets break a-fucking part.  The Sun explodes because some idiotic male with a high testosterone level goes into the Brooklyn Aquarium with a fishing pole.  Which is what I have done, just to see what would happen. 

Like you belong there?

PETER:  That’s another point, I know so many idiots with confidence, and I’ve seen this, the ugliest guy in the world, and I can say this because I’m ugly too – goes up to women, “Hey, whattaya doing, baby”?  It’s like this fucking attitude like he’s the shit – and like all these hot women flock around him like,  “woo woo!”  Baby female gorillas jumping all over him!  Then I see somebody you know with a 160 IQ, like the Nutty Professor who has no confidence, who may also happen to be good looking, but the women are like, “ehh”…  It’s like not giving a fuck, and you know it goes a long way.  That has not changed over 500 thousand years.  Except you can't do it in supermarkets…I’ve tried it, and you don’t get a discount. 

No discount, no coupons, 10 items or less, that’s it.  Well you’re done, Peter.  You did good. 

PETER:  I did good.

You did good.

END